Queen Noor…or Eco-terrorist?

My sister lives in New York City with her boyfriend and is currently between mile markers on her resume of life–unemployed.  Weeks of interviews upon interviews, introductions to hundreds of anonymous friends of friends, lunches with recruiters and the net result was, well, nothing. Then, out of the blue, came an offer to be the personal assistant to Queen Noor of Jordan who is forming a philanthropic organization and needs help.  The very next hour produced an offer to partner with a well-received artist specializing in environmental advertising.  Both pay well.  Both have perks.  Both are in midtown.  I’ll keep you posted.

 Last week I went 2-1 to up my record to 4-3 on the season.  My lone loss came when Kentucky lost to S. Carolina after turning it over 12 times.  Probably 4 times, but after the 3rd one, I was so Romo-ed that I lost count.  My friend over at Kermit the Blog was piss-poor (insert link), going 1-3 last week.  Let’s first comment on his picks:

Purdue +7 over Michigan (Disagree.)  Here is the definitive theory on Michigan betting–If I wager actual money on them they lose.  If I speculate randomly, I’ll win.  The last five times, all losses, total $350.  I’m not betting this game, so I’ll win.  Michigan, with Henne back and no pressure, wins big.

Houston -17 over Rice  (Disagree.)  Where were you last week?  On the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza?  Serial killer John Parker Wilson cannot blow anyone out and Houston was a great bet.  Rice is athletic, well-coached, and easily overlooked.  Plus it has no cholestorol.

Texas Tech -8 over Texas A&M (Disagree.)  Mike Leach is a terrible football coach.  Dennis Franchione is a terrible football coach.  This line is waaaay too big for a pointless game that only matters to folks who pay $1 in property taxes for illegally claiming the agricultural exemption by having livestock on their property.  Wives do not count as livestock.  A&M in a shootout, 48-44.
Missouri +13 over Oklahoma (Agree.)  Not sure about this one.  Typically, Gary Pinkel and Mizzou pull a Philip Fulmer (is he a clone of Fred Dalton Thompson or what–am I right people?) about this time of the year and lose by a shitload in a big game.  Coin flip and it comes up tails, Mizzou covers.

Now for my picks:

Central Florida (+12) over South Florida.  I like Ron Leavitt.  I like South Florida.  I hope to Allah that they win out and play Boston College in the BCS title game.  I hope Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery replace Billy Packer and Jim Nantz at the Final Four as an announcing team.  Not all wishes are granted as USF runs into another underappreciated coach and a stout running game.  It’s a close one.

Cincinnati (-10) over Louisville.  #7in scoring offense, #6 in scoring defense. +31 in scoring difference.  Stats don’t lie, unless your an economist, and this is an easy one.  Root for UC to keep winning, they have an argument as the best team in the nation.

Illinois (-4) over Iowa.  Iowa has won 2 games and even lost to Iowa State.  They have 8 starters out for the year.  Illinois just beat a decent Wisconsin team.  Ron Zook has a player named “Juice” who didn’t slice up his girlfirend and lose a civil suit where he has to surrender his fake Rolex.  On karma alone, take Illinois.

NFL Arizona (-4 1/2) over Carolina.  Vinny Testaverde is starting for Carolina.  Enough said.

Larry Williams says, “Bam!”

First and foremost, I’m the first to admit how underwhelmed I am by my own performance last week.  A moribund 2-2 record certainly merits rattan recliner #6 at the El Cortez sports lounge in Las Vegas, however, it won’t get me far in my pocketbook.  Disappointment pervades as I search frantically for an explanation for Purdue’s mysterious 2nd half collapse and Rutgers pre-’06, Rutgersesque collapse against Maryland.  I will trudge on, desperately hoping to channel Jimmy the Greek or Zorba the Greek or anybody last named ending in “…dakos.”  First, my colleague at Kermit The Blog (http://kermittheblog.wordpress.com/2007/10/04/under-promise-over-deliver/) has made his picks and I’ll let you read his and then I’ll respond.

Kansas State -3 over Kansas.  (Agree).  I was at the Texas-KSU game and we were decidedly outcoached, outplayed, outcheerleaded, outwhiteguyed, outblackguyed, outschemed, outmanuevered, outwitted (not hard) and utterly outasskicked.  KSU is the real deal except for their fans, who despite a valiant effort by their team, still have to drive their purple El Caminos back to Kansas.Alabama (-11) over Houston.  (Disagree).  Houston is better than most and they beat a pretty good East Carolina team coached by Skip Holtz, a decidedly better coach than his father, Lou “let me get the shit out of mouth first” Holtz.  Alabama is the product of one quality win over Auburn albeit with some questionable calls and Major Applewhite is slowly learning that any quarterback addressed by three names probably had serial killers for parents.

Oklahoma (-10.5) over Texas.  (Agree)  My alma mater is experiencing what football experts, in parlance, technically call, “a shitty team.”  Bad, if any, coaching.  Poor, if any, play calling.  Notre Dame-like tackling by the defense.  And, worst of all, a coach that thinks it is no big deal.  As Inigo Montoya would say, “humiliations galore.”

Oklahoma State (+6.5) over Texas A&M.  Who’s the bigger goat right now, Gundy or Franchione?  I’d go with Gundy because OSU just had T. Boone Pickens donate $71 Billion dollars to OSU just for their athletics.  Why?  You could donate $71 Billion to Hakeem Olajuwon’s village in Nigeria and get a better football team plus feed the starving poor, if that were as important as say, I don’t know, having a run defense?  Still, A&M has quit on Franchione and his deer-in-the-headlights look is waaay too reminiscient of the BTK killer. 

My picks, which I really like this week.

Kentucky (+4) over South Carolina.  I know LSU is next weekend but the good thing about UK is they are still playing week to week.  Rich Brooks (who I would love at Texas) is adept at game planning and his enthusiasm is palpable.  Steve Spurrier, who I want to come to one of my staff meetings just so he can throw a clipboard on the ground, is making a mistake switching QB’s mid-season.  A field goal game either way.

Cincinnati (+3) over Rutgers.  Best team in the southern half of Ohio, including the Bengals.  4-0ATS this year.  Rutgers is beginning to emulate Trilby to Greg Schiano’s Svengali, hypnotized into a star and then suddenly awakened to realize, oh wait, we’re Rutgers.    All Du Maurier fans, you’re welcome.

Florida (+8) over LSU.  Two words for you.  Urban Meyer never loses two in a row.  I don’t care if Tim Tebow or Tim Robbins is your QB, Urban Meyer will win.  Candlesticks always make a nice gift.  Truer words have never been spoken.

College Football Picks…I’m Ron Burgundy?

A friend of mine is putting his college football picks up on wordpress.com and, out of sheer adversarial glee, I’ve decided to do likewise.  I’ve won an office pool or two in my day so these picks, unlike his, will actually be based on good judgment and a steel trap of a mind. 

I did steal his font for this post so I will honor him by re-posting his picks as a point of future comparison.  Here is a link to his picks…http://kermittheblog.wordpress.com/2007/09/28/ill-try-i-promise/

 Cal +5.5 over Oregon.  (Disagree)  Coolest play all year was from QB Dennis Dixon over Michigan, a fake Statue-of-Liberty QB keeper.

Oklahoma -22 over Colorado. (Agree).   OU has the most schloastically retarded student body in all of the USA, however, none of the guys coaching the football team attended OU so they are safe.

Florida (-18) over Auburn. (Agree) Can’t argue with this one.  Auburn is, year in year out, the most overrated program in the SEC.  The coach, Tess of the D’Urbervilles, continues to try and pretend they are in the cream of SEC society (just like Tess), however, no one will ever buy it and you can recruit or marry yourself to any recruit you want, Auburn will always be a commoner amongst the elite.

 Michigan (-17) over Northwestern.  (Agree).  Whenever a line looks wrong, worry.  Northwestern just lost to St. Patrick of Kilarney rugby team 63-28 and Michigan just beat a pretty good Penn State team so your initial thought is -17?  Too low?  Don’t second-guess, it is too low.  Take Michigan.

 Now for my picks.

 USF (+7 1/2) over West Virginia.  I could bore you with stats about this or that, unfortunately I don’t know any so I go with my gut and one of the unbreakable tenets of sports betting.   Ranked home underdogs are like Maria Sharapova’s ass…high and tight.  (no correlation).  In other words, take it if you can.  USF is motivated and when you are talking about 18 and 19 year old players and athletic parity, take the motivated kids.

 Rutgers (-19) over Maryland.  Rutgers has scored over 30pts 6 straight games and Ray Rice is the next Emmitt Smith.  Coming off a bye week, Rutgers figured out that without is 100grams of bacon fat each day, Ralph Friedgen’s brain will morph into Bob Davie and Maryland will only run plays that produce negative yards.  Go with Rutgers and the tofu.

 Purdue (-22) over Notre Dame.  Sorry, but Notre Dame is piss poor and to quote my colleague, they are very very very very bad.  I’m not sure why everyone hasn’t already figured this one out but I’ll repeat it.  It’s Bill Belichek. Not Romeo Crennel.  Not Tom Brady.  Not Robert Kraft.  And certainly Not Charlie Weis.  He makes Mack Brown look crafty.  ND will replace him by next year.

 Last one…NFL. 

 Arizona (+5.5) over Pittsburgh.  Tell you why.  Arizona has been in all three games this year even though they are 1-2.  Whisenhunt and Grimm were both up for the Pittsburgh job and, more importantly, Leinart is now on the bench proving once and for all that he was a product of the USC talent, not the other way around.