Words to live by…

Three rules for all humans to live by:

1)  Whenever possible, put on side 2 of Led Zeppelin IV.  Just kidding.  Whenever possible, always assume that the following ten schools will get at least 3-5 extra points on the line based solely on name recognition, large alumni bases that only bet on their school, and historical success:

Florida, Ohio State, Michigan, Texas, Notre Dame, Nebraska, Alabama, Oklahoma, USC and Florida State. 

And out of that collection, I can’t emphasize Notre Dame, Texas and Alabama enough.  Always subtract 5 points from these three and 3 points from the others and see if the bet still holds water. 

2)  Never go out with a woman who has a tattoo of a dagger on her back.  Seriously though, rule 2 involves rivalries.  Except for neutral field locales, always take the away team.  The combination of stressful fans waiting for the blowout, mind-numbing interviews and family visits plus the inherent expectation of a win will always deter players from focusing on the game itself.  Case in point, Mich-Ohio State this weekend.  I think OSU (-4) is a great bet.

3)  Go out on first dates with the expectation of a blow job.  Always a good rule.  If you get more, spring for breakfast and a cab.  If not, tell her you’ll call her when her sensibilities approach the year 2007.  As it relates to our subject, rule 3 involves BCS possible teams.  Right now there are approximately 15 teams with BCS hopes and each one is trying to win voters as much as games.  Starters will play longer, coaches will gamble and margins of victory will increase.  Take the BCS teams.  You will more than you lose.

Using those three rules, let’s pick some games this week.

Ohio State (-3 1/2) over Michigan.  All three rules apply to this game.  Ohio State, even at -6 1/2 is good, away team, and BCS eligible.  I realize UM could go to the Rose Bowl but I seriously doubt it.  Besides, OSU is a much, much better team that got Zooked last weekend.

Oklahoma (-8 1/2) over Texas Tech.  I may regret this one but I got to see the Texas-Tech game and, despite Mike Leach’s protests (he looks like a squashed, short Vince Gill), Tech was outmanned.  OU is way better than UT plus they have the shithole know as Lubbock figured out.  4-1 in their last 5 ATS at Tech Community College.  Bob Stoops will piss all over this school as they prepare for the Big 12 title game.

Oregon (-11) over Arizona.  Rule 3 applies wholeheartedly here.  With OU, KU and Mizzou on their tails, Oregon needs statement games since the voters comprise 2/3 of the BCS these days.  Dennis Dixon is the Heisman winner should the vote happen today.  Love this game.  Ducks defense is underrated and the under on the 66 total is pretty good too.

NFL:  Cleveland Browns (-3) over Baltimore Ravens.  As my friend Roy knows, Baltimore really sucks this year and didn’t even score but 7 points against the Bengals last week, at home no less.  Ouch.  Brian Billick is on his way out.  A bad coach who caught lightning in a bottle during the Super Bowl year.   

Who’s more pompous, Curt Schilling or Billy Packer?

In the world of sports, I dare ask: Who’s more pompous, Curt Schilling or Billy Packer?  My answer is…Pat Summitt.  Here’s why.  Never in any major collegiate or pro sport (stretching the definition) in the past 50 years has there been a coach more completely dominant than Pat Summitt.  She owns women’s college basketball.  I would take her to coach my kid’s T-Ball team or coach USC’s football team.  She motivates, she recruits 5-star kids even when her bench is full of older 5-star kids, she outcoaches on the court, she gets straight girls to play with lesbos, she wins.  7 national titles in 20 years.  14 Final Fours in 20 years.  That is ridiculous.  In fact, I defy you to legitimately argue that she couldn’t win a national title within 5 years at any SEC football school.  She’s the best coach ever (no, Roy, you can’t throw Anson Dorrance or some swimming coach back at me.  I said major sport.  Even though women’s basketball looks a lot like high school varsity basketball).

Know what else?  She’s arrogant, bitchy, pompous, and as conceited as they come.  I’d rather spend 20 minutes debating union politics or bracketology with Billy Packer or Curt Schilling.

Onto the picks.  As expected, with sniper-like precision, I fired a 3-1 record last week using the Costanza method so I will once again proceed that way.

Oklahoma State (+3) over Texas.  Texas has won 9 straight and owns OSU, their over/under medicated coach (your call), and usually wins in comeback fashion.  This means take Texas, right?  I would normally.  OSU has a big offense and in the last 3 games have held opponents 14 pts per game.

Michigan (-4 1/2) over Michigan State.  Without their stars at full power, you would think Michigan would be toast on the road against a bitter rival in a game that makes MSU bowl eligible.  Not so fast, mon amie.  MSU lost to Iowa last week 34-27.  Iowa.  The same Iowa team that has a whopping 20 players on the DL and actually lost to Iowa State this year.

Navy (+3) over Notre Dame.  Honestly, I can’t Costanza this pick.  I watched Navy play earlier this year and they can score on anyone, especially a Catholic high school team practicing in a large stadium that bans Jews from attending.  Since my wife won’t ever be able to attend a game at ND, we are happy and content to watch Navy crucify ND like Pontius Pilate.

LSU (-7) over Alabama.  Normally, when I’m on the fence about a game and can’t decide, I take the underdog.  Why?  Because if I can’t figure out which team is better then I at least want some points to cushion the outcome.  Clearly, this is not the case here.  LSU is miles farther along than Alabama and John Wilkes Booth once played QB at an Alabama high school, thus completing the serial killer trilogy.

Here’s are Roy’s losers in waiting:

Washington (-2.5) over Stanford (disagree).  Washington gave up 48 points to Arizona last week.  Eeeek.  Anyone Notre Dame alum or fan should look at that next time they regret letting Tyrone Willingham-Tebow go.  Stanford, still researching a way to incorporate GMAT and MCAT scores into the BCS, will cover.

Illinois (-16) over Minnesota (agree).  Minnesota is so bad that the coaches son, Nolan Brewster, a star senior safety in Colorado, is actually committing to another college.  However, UM has produced both Laurence Maroney and Marion Barber in the last three years so the program can be rebuilt.  It just won’t happen today.

Arizona (+3.5) over UCLA (agree).  Same exact logic as Roy, better chicks.  These chicks must enroll sight unseen, though, as Tucson is actually referred to, by name, in the 3rd circle of hell from Dante’s Inferno.  

Georgia (-16.5) over Troy (Disagree).  Georgia rarely blows anyone out and, like Roy, I smell letdown.  What is a Tebow?  We should call everything related to UF ever in Tebow-vernacular as they guy could really use some good press.  Urban Meyer-Tebow is still fuming about last week, as a perpetually undercoached GU team whooped him.  Georgia is talented but young.  Troy is Greek.

As always, keep your Tebow down and your eyes on the ball.