Wildfires, real estate, earthquakes, and Britney?

To answer last week’s question, my sister took neither option as she did not get the job as Queen Noor’s lackey or in the eco-terrorism advertising agency.  She is an analyst at some investment firm in NYC.  Yes, she’s that multi-talented. 

Why does anyone live in California?  Only two aspects of life there are appealing (and yes, I lived in Hermosa Beach for two years), the Pacific Ocean and the weather.  Rather than wax  fanatic about the ills of life there, I thought a list would suffice.

1.  Traffic

2.  Real Estate Prices

3.  Smog

4.  State Income Tax

5. The eastern part of the state is mostly desert.

6.  Schwarznegger is governor… a true barometer of the intelligence of the proletariot in California.  I can just hear his stentorian voice in the Senate saying, “Come to California and see the sights, or things of that nature”

7.  All matter of natural disasters i.e. wildfires, earthquakes, mudslides, Santa Ana windstorms, drought.

8.  Jerry Buss and Art Shell.

I can’t go on.  Needless to say, the state is still overly Democratic which is about the only positive emanating from that stenchpool.  Well, there are also the incredibly hot women.

OK, so last week I went a Constanza-esque 0-4 against the spread and lost both ounces of credibility I ever thought I had.  I could easily explain each game with a plausible excuse but in the end it’s about your checkbook.  Yet, I had a statistical anomaly emerge as I actually bet on Michigan (big) and won despite no Mike Hart and a gimpy Chad Henne.  

So, in honor of George Costanza and my incredibly dismal performance, I am doing the opposite.  I will make my case for my honest pick and then suggest the opposite.

Boston College (+3) over Virginia Tech.  BC is good.   Va Tech is good.  However, when you get two good teams together, I will usually take the team with the better QB because there are fewer mistakes.  Also, Frank Beamer’s goiter scares me. 

Oregon (-3) over USC.  My Heisman pick for the year, Dennis Dixon.  Oregon, without their top runner and receiver, still put up 55 points at Washington last week.  They have one loss and I will take their 2nd ranked offense against USC’s 58th ranked passing defense anytime.  Also, tell me everyone doesn’t experience just a little schadenfruede everytime you see another USC player suck it up in the pros.  Remember Leinart, Jarrett, M. Williams?  You won’t in two years.

South Florida (-5) over UConn.  Wait, this isn’t women’s basketball, right?  UConn has a football team?  Is Geno Auriemma coaching the football team?  If he is, then I’ll take UConn because he’s probably got the best dykes north of Knoxville playing offensive line.  I googled it and apparently, it’s somebody named Randy Edsall.  Is he dating Auriemma?  If so, take UConn.  If not, take USF.

Kansas (-3) over Texas A&M.  If you’ve never been around 80,000 agriculturally devoted Republicans, count your blessings.  If you have, you can get a rabies shot at any local veternarian.  Still, Franchione and his band of future city employees will lose out to a coach who actually watches film and game plans.  Mangino, when he looks at the tape after lighting another candle in his Jared-from-Subway shrine, will notice that A&M couldn’t beat his team with 12 employees, er players.

That’s it.  Remember that during Constanza week (not to be confused with Kwanzaa), take the opposite of my suggestions and laugh yourself all the way to the bank.

Queen Noor…or Eco-terrorist?

My sister lives in New York City with her boyfriend and is currently between mile markers on her resume of life–unemployed.  Weeks of interviews upon interviews, introductions to hundreds of anonymous friends of friends, lunches with recruiters and the net result was, well, nothing. Then, out of the blue, came an offer to be the personal assistant to Queen Noor of Jordan who is forming a philanthropic organization and needs help.  The very next hour produced an offer to partner with a well-received artist specializing in environmental advertising.  Both pay well.  Both have perks.  Both are in midtown.  I’ll keep you posted.

 Last week I went 2-1 to up my record to 4-3 on the season.  My lone loss came when Kentucky lost to S. Carolina after turning it over 12 times.  Probably 4 times, but after the 3rd one, I was so Romo-ed that I lost count.  My friend over at Kermit the Blog was piss-poor (insert link), going 1-3 last week.  Let’s first comment on his picks:

Purdue +7 over Michigan (Disagree.)  Here is the definitive theory on Michigan betting–If I wager actual money on them they lose.  If I speculate randomly, I’ll win.  The last five times, all losses, total $350.  I’m not betting this game, so I’ll win.  Michigan, with Henne back and no pressure, wins big.

Houston -17 over Rice  (Disagree.)  Where were you last week?  On the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza?  Serial killer John Parker Wilson cannot blow anyone out and Houston was a great bet.  Rice is athletic, well-coached, and easily overlooked.  Plus it has no cholestorol.

Texas Tech -8 over Texas A&M (Disagree.)  Mike Leach is a terrible football coach.  Dennis Franchione is a terrible football coach.  This line is waaaay too big for a pointless game that only matters to folks who pay $1 in property taxes for illegally claiming the agricultural exemption by having livestock on their property.  Wives do not count as livestock.  A&M in a shootout, 48-44.
Missouri +13 over Oklahoma (Agree.)  Not sure about this one.  Typically, Gary Pinkel and Mizzou pull a Philip Fulmer (is he a clone of Fred Dalton Thompson or what–am I right people?) about this time of the year and lose by a shitload in a big game.  Coin flip and it comes up tails, Mizzou covers.

Now for my picks:

Central Florida (+12) over South Florida.  I like Ron Leavitt.  I like South Florida.  I hope to Allah that they win out and play Boston College in the BCS title game.  I hope Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery replace Billy Packer and Jim Nantz at the Final Four as an announcing team.  Not all wishes are granted as USF runs into another underappreciated coach and a stout running game.  It’s a close one.

Cincinnati (-10) over Louisville.  #7in scoring offense, #6 in scoring defense. +31 in scoring difference.  Stats don’t lie, unless your an economist, and this is an easy one.  Root for UC to keep winning, they have an argument as the best team in the nation.

Illinois (-4) over Iowa.  Iowa has won 2 games and even lost to Iowa State.  They have 8 starters out for the year.  Illinois just beat a decent Wisconsin team.  Ron Zook has a player named “Juice” who didn’t slice up his girlfirend and lose a civil suit where he has to surrender his fake Rolex.  On karma alone, take Illinois.

NFL Arizona (-4 1/2) over Carolina.  Vinny Testaverde is starting for Carolina.  Enough said.

Larry Williams says, “Bam!”

First and foremost, I’m the first to admit how underwhelmed I am by my own performance last week.  A moribund 2-2 record certainly merits rattan recliner #6 at the El Cortez sports lounge in Las Vegas, however, it won’t get me far in my pocketbook.  Disappointment pervades as I search frantically for an explanation for Purdue’s mysterious 2nd half collapse and Rutgers pre-’06, Rutgersesque collapse against Maryland.  I will trudge on, desperately hoping to channel Jimmy the Greek or Zorba the Greek or anybody last named ending in “…dakos.”  First, my colleague at Kermit The Blog (http://kermittheblog.wordpress.com/2007/10/04/under-promise-over-deliver/) has made his picks and I’ll let you read his and then I’ll respond.

Kansas State -3 over Kansas.  (Agree).  I was at the Texas-KSU game and we were decidedly outcoached, outplayed, outcheerleaded, outwhiteguyed, outblackguyed, outschemed, outmanuevered, outwitted (not hard) and utterly outasskicked.  KSU is the real deal except for their fans, who despite a valiant effort by their team, still have to drive their purple El Caminos back to Kansas.Alabama (-11) over Houston.  (Disagree).  Houston is better than most and they beat a pretty good East Carolina team coached by Skip Holtz, a decidedly better coach than his father, Lou “let me get the shit out of mouth first” Holtz.  Alabama is the product of one quality win over Auburn albeit with some questionable calls and Major Applewhite is slowly learning that any quarterback addressed by three names probably had serial killers for parents.

Oklahoma (-10.5) over Texas.  (Agree)  My alma mater is experiencing what football experts, in parlance, technically call, “a shitty team.”  Bad, if any, coaching.  Poor, if any, play calling.  Notre Dame-like tackling by the defense.  And, worst of all, a coach that thinks it is no big deal.  As Inigo Montoya would say, “humiliations galore.”

Oklahoma State (+6.5) over Texas A&M.  Who’s the bigger goat right now, Gundy or Franchione?  I’d go with Gundy because OSU just had T. Boone Pickens donate $71 Billion dollars to OSU just for their athletics.  Why?  You could donate $71 Billion to Hakeem Olajuwon’s village in Nigeria and get a better football team plus feed the starving poor, if that were as important as say, I don’t know, having a run defense?  Still, A&M has quit on Franchione and his deer-in-the-headlights look is waaay too reminiscient of the BTK killer. 

My picks, which I really like this week.

Kentucky (+4) over South Carolina.  I know LSU is next weekend but the good thing about UK is they are still playing week to week.  Rich Brooks (who I would love at Texas) is adept at game planning and his enthusiasm is palpable.  Steve Spurrier, who I want to come to one of my staff meetings just so he can throw a clipboard on the ground, is making a mistake switching QB’s mid-season.  A field goal game either way.

Cincinnati (+3) over Rutgers.  Best team in the southern half of Ohio, including the Bengals.  4-0ATS this year.  Rutgers is beginning to emulate Trilby to Greg Schiano’s Svengali, hypnotized into a star and then suddenly awakened to realize, oh wait, we’re Rutgers.    All Du Maurier fans, you’re welcome.

Florida (+8) over LSU.  Two words for you.  Urban Meyer never loses two in a row.  I don’t care if Tim Tebow or Tim Robbins is your QB, Urban Meyer will win.  Candlesticks always make a nice gift.  Truer words have never been spoken.